Before I begin, I want to quickly mention that I am writing this a few weeks before posting it. If there are any updates, I'll add them at the end.
Over the years, a pattern has developed on this blog. I usually become very active in Spring and Summer only to practically disappear in Fall and Winter. This hasn't been done on purpose. I have spent years trying to get all of my health issues diagnosed so that they can finally be properly managed. Unfortunately, I struggle with agoraphobia. This makes it very difficult to attend medical appointments regularly. Thus, it takes longer for me to get things diagnosed and managed. I still have a few big appointments in my future that I am sure will be very stressful, but over the past 6 months I have made a tremendous amount of progress. It has been very difficult, but I am proud of what I have been able to do so far. If it hasn't become obvious yet, the reason I have been gone for so long is that I was finally forced to really focus on my health.
I have this societal idea of how I should be and how much I should be able to do. I have had a very difficult time allowing myself to rest when I need to for as much time as I need to. I get started on something and I go full power until I crash and burn out. Then the recovery phase keeps growing each time. I simply don't have the energy to be able to do anything full-time. Way more days than I would like to admit, the basics feel like too much. Each day is a new challenge. What are my energy levels? How are my pain levels? What is my mental health status? It feels like my entire body is always working against me. It doesn't help that I am extremely stubborn. That idea in my head keeps haunting my brain. "You should be doing more." "You are just being lazy." Then, against all advice and logic, I repeat the cycle of doing way too much too quickly and then falling apart as a result. I think this is something that most people with chronic pain/illness deal with. Finding the right balance when things are constantly changing and evolving feels impossible. (If this is something you deal with, please share some advice in the comments for how you manage!)
It is hard to change the way your brain is wired. I would like to think that I am finally changing, but I know that I am going to fall into old patterns eventually. I just need to learn how to recover better, with less guilt and shame. Learning to give the kindness I offer to others to myself is not something that comes naturally to me. However, I am trying, and sometimes that is the best you can do.
When I had a bad flare-up last year, I pushed myself to come back too quickly. I had accepted too many review requests and put pressure on myself that I could not handle.
(Quick note: This is 100% a me problem. All authors who have contacted me have been fantastic and incredibly kind, and understanding. I put the pressure on myself. They didn't.)
Then I was left feeling disappointed and ashamed for not meeting the high expectations that I put on myself. But the thing was, those expectations were never going to be possible for me. I can not put out content as often as the blogs I admire. I am not built to jump on trends and be popular.
Still to this day, I am unsure why anyone does like my reviews. I must be doing something right, though. I would like to think that one of the reasons people like this blog is because of my honesty. I don't like making false promises, and I have never wanted my reviews to come off as trying to sell anything. I have been recruited to reviewer groups under the condition of making adjustments to my style, but it just isn't me. I am not one to hold back my opinion, and I refuse to tone down my personality.
I have been told by many that I have a bad case of imposter syndrome, and I know I have a habit of self-sabotage. When you combine those with all of my health issues, you get the full answer for why my blog's activity seems to be chaotic. I have spent the last two months trying to decide what to do with Wondermajica. I am currently doing much better than I was last year, but I still have a lot of learning and adjusting ahead of me. I am still in the process of accepting my weaknesses while also discovering new strengths. I have a lot to be proud of, but that is a difficult emotion for me to accept sometimes.
So, where does that leave Wondermajcia? I don't know. I have considered taking it offline and just abandoning it. However, I just can't give it up. As messy and chaotic as I view it to be, I still find myself proud of this little blog. It is me. It is proof of my growth over the years. It is my digital home. I refuse to let all that go.
From my weird little heart to yours,
—Sarah 🌙
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